We-Narratives: The Stories of Partnership

When you and your partner think back on the first time you met, do you both tell the same story? Each of you may remember different details of that day, but is one version of the story told with a smile and the other told in boredom?

Within partnership, narratives are co-created. The ‘we-narrative’ (language from Shaun Gallagher and Deborah Tollefsen) offers a way of conceptualizing the collective identity among partners. A we-narrative begins early on in a relationship as partners learn each other’s similarities and differences, how they fight, and gradually build fantasies of a future together.

We string moments into patterns, memories into meaning. It’s in our nature. The difficult part is constructing the narrative together, in partnership and in communication with another person. Without clear and open communication, especially in disagreement and conflict, we are most likely to continue crafting our own internal storyline and telling a separate story from our partner.

Cultivating an active and reflective we-narrative can contribute to the ‘we-ness’ of couplehood, a shared identity that represents both individuals, as well as shared agency. It can keep you both tethered together as you evolve over time.

Tracing Early Messages

In identifying your we-narrative, we can start with the prologue. It is important to consider what messages you’re bringing into the relationship, especially messages around emotion and partnership.

Was your family sunny and warm or cold and stormy? Or was there a turbulent mix of everything that led you to walk on eggshells? How safe did you feel expressing emotions? Maybe you felt safe to express sadness but not anger. Tracing the stories you tell yourself now to their early roots can provide insight and allow you to leave some messages behind.

Attachment Styles

Your attachment style will offer insight into where your internal story tends to go. Get curious about your fears, and what keeps you anxious, avoidant, disorganized, or secure. It’s likely your partner has a different style than you. Learning how your styles work together, and keep you two together, can offer a better understanding of your relationship. If you’re having trouble identifying your patterns, working with a couples therapist can help identify the cycles in your partnership and equip you with necessary skills to change such cycles.

A Vision for the Future

The success and resonance of your we-narrative also pertains to your vision for the future of your relationship. Partners are more likely to grow together when they explicitly share values and hopes for their life moving forward. Identify what is most important in a partnership for you and invite open, non-judgmental conversation to explore where you overlap and where you don’t. Each of you may envision your partnership differently in detail, but sharing core values around finances, quality time, honesty, etc., can provide a stable, trustworthy foundation over time.